Retail Hell for the Plus Sized Diva

Hello my Lovelies!

Yes, I'm living up the promise of posting more in my blog and will try to do so every Sunday evening...after The Amazing Race and Real Housewives of Atlanta.

Don't act like I'm the only one...

Anyhoo, here we go!

Here’s the truth of the matter – I’m a fat chick.  Not a “Fluffy Diva,” not a “Thick N Baby,” or any other adorable names people use to make it sound all cute and cuddly.  I’m a fat chick.  Oooohhh…I’m supposed to crawl in a corner and cry my eyes out over a gallon of Chunky Monkey, a double whopper with cheese and a small diet Coke now, right?  WRONG!  To hell with what you think, I love me. Like I said in my last blog entry, if I could marry myself, I’d be on my honeymoon. Do I want to be overweight?  Hell naw!  Who really does?  I don’t know anyone who looks in the mirror and say, “yeah…jumbo size…that shit is HAWT!”  Any woman who looks you in the face and says that is either in denial, has given up or well, really likes herself and truth be told I aint mad at her.  If you’re happy with what you see, then I salute you.  It’s not about what makes other people happy – it’s about making yourself happy.  In fact, most overweight chicks seem to be happier than skinny chicks.  I wonder if it's because them bitches are really hungry...Oddly enough, as fat as I am, I don’t seem to have problems attracting male attention.  Maybe it’s because they see ME…not what I look like.  

I am cute, though.

Anyhoo, I think to some degree we’re all in denial about weight gain.  It happens so innocuously (I’m not sure I’m using that word correctly but I like how it sounds!) that we don’t realize it until suddenly we look in the mirror and think, “damn! When did THIS shit happen?”  See, this is how it happens - you buy clothes in your size, right?  Sometime later, you buy something new and it doesn’t quite fit, so you dismiss it and go one size up.  Your mind won’t even allow you to look at the size.  Then the next time, the same thing happens and you size up.  This goes on for a few more years until you have a significant weight gain without even realizing it.  You look in the mirror and think, “how in Wonder Twin hell did I get here?”  

Some of us developed weight because over the years the metabolism shrinks and we’re just not as active as we used to be and the food intake never changes, or some get heavy because we get pregnant and can’t take the weight off.  Others (like me) developed weight problems due to health issues and over the past seven years, I’ve had a variety of problems that had me watching my weight blow up like the Hindenburg.  In the early years, I just wasn’t as active as I used to be and just got lazy. I’m woman enough to admit it but understand that I’m not making excuses.  I have no problems accepting the situation for what it is.  At least I’m not in denial about it. Keep in mind that being overweight doesn’t necessarily mean that you’re not healthy.  There are levels of weight that are actually pretty healthy, all things considering.  Right now I’m in the process of taking off enough weight so that I can walk up a flight of stairs without being winded.  High school skinny for me was 125-130 lbs and frankly, I don’t ever want to be that damn skinny again.  I looked like a crack head.  I think that’s fine if you’re a teenager or a woman in your 20’s but as we grow older, the bones get more brittle and we need something to cushion the blow in case our old asses fall over like a stack of dominos.  True I’m a fat chick but even I laugh when I see a fat chick or fat dude fall over.  

Yeah I know it sounds bad but I’m keeping it one hunnid…

Anyhoo, we need a little meat on the bones as we get older, just as long as it doesn’t get out of control.  No grown woman should aspire to be a size 0 or 00.  That’s just too damn thin and if someone tells you it’s normal, they have some phobia issues and you should head for the hills.  They have unrealistic views on what’s healthy.  I was a size 6 at my thinnest and now that’s considered plus sized.  

That’s some sick shit right there. Did I say "sick?" I meant stupid.

Losing weight is harder as you get older but not impossible.  There’s more to it than just walking or getting on a treadmill for a half hour a day.  Yes, it’s a start but dieting doesn’t truly help anyone.  In fact, you should eliminate the word “diet” altogether and go with “Lifestyle Change” and you have to commit to it.  You do that by changing your eating habits over a period of time, increasing your exercise level (going 10 rounds with Mike Tyson is not necessary) and making sure that the foods you eat are healthy.  No you don’t have to go organic but adding more veggies to your plate will help and when I mean that, I’m not talking about canned veggies.  Fresh or frozen veggies will do in a pinch.  You have to check the carbs/sodiums of what you eat and definitely eliminate sodas because they’re just pure sugar.  Even diet sodas don’t help.  When you buy boxed foods, you have to read the labels.  Process foods are just as bad as fast foods and there’s a difference between “low sodium” and “low fat.”  Make sure you understand that.  It took some time to adjust to whole wheat pastas because they do taste funny no matter how you doctor them up.  Funny note, I saw Velveeta had a "whole grain" Velveeta and Cheese. Seriously...what the H.E. Double Hockey Sticks is healthy about that?

Not making this shit up.

The idiot that thought this would be a good idea should be working at the Sonic drive through for all eternity.

My favorite breakfast is a yogurt smoothie and a boiled egg but if I forget to eat (believe it or not, my fat ass will do that in a NY minute), I will stop and get something, which is a chicken biscuit and a fruit cup.  No, the biscuit isn’t healthy but in the morning you have to fuel up.  I stopped eating white bread a long time ago and mostly go with wheat or honey wheat, but now I’m starting to enjoy flat bread, although it’s taking some getting used to.  I have gotten good with having celery and carrots instead of potato chips.  One of the things I’ve learned is you don’t have to eat tree bark.  You just have to learn how to prepare food better.  I now have Celiac Disease so I have to watch my glutens as well.  Yeah I know, it’s just a party over here with me, aint it?  Ugh whatever, man - I’m so over my health issues.  To be honest, I’ll have a Burger King burger once in awhile if I’m feeling the need for fast food but my nutritionist is okay with this because of the way the burgers are cooked…but this is a once a month indulgence.  I don’t make a habit of it.  I try not to, anyway.  Damn them burgers are good…

I’m on my way to losing the weight and I’m happy with my progress.  I don’t intend to lose about 100 lbs in 30 days time but if I can meet my goal by my 50^th birthday in 2015, then I’ll consider myself a success story.  I’ve actually gotten to the point in my fitness where I was diagnosed as a Type II diabetic several years ago and put on Metformin.  However, over the last couple of years I’ve worked hard enough to have my doctor take me off of it, so I consider that a major achievement. I considered the Lap Band procedure but then I lost 10 lbs on my own and figured that if I just applied myself, I could really do this.  I look at my daughter Charlene and my friend Linda Rennie as my inspirations.  They’ve worked really hard to work on their fitness levels and I’m so proud of them.  I try not to listen to people who are fitness nuts.  I have nothing against them, but they don’t know the struggle of weight gain and they’re not seeing it from my perspective.  They may give me advice that, while it’s great for them, may kill me on the fitness trail.  For instance, I’m not going on a hike up Stone Mountain.  At my size, it’s just not possible for me to do this but I have a friend that keeps trying to get me to go up there with her.  “I just love racing up that trail!  It makes me feel so alive!” You know what makes me feel alive?  BEING ALIVE!  I’ll take your word for it, Keisha.  Girl, bye…

I can say, however, that my friends are very caring and nurturing about my weight loss goals.  They don't become condescending to me when I'm working out and certainly when I choose to take a day or two off.  If you have people who are constantly putting you down in an attempt to make you work out more or if they come off as being disgusted by you and your weight, drop those jerks like a bad habit.  They'll only give you heartache and pain and are really not there for you.  A friend will have your back, not kick you when you're down and believe me, I have no time for shallow, fake people.

Now here’s what bakes my cookies – if you’re a fat chick, don’t you hate clothes shopping?  I know!  What’s in a size 4 at $30.00 costs about $90.00 in your size and then when you buy something, it never fit quite right.  What I mean is not every item is cut right. What I can get at the Avenue in my size is quite different if I go to Ann Taylor in my size.  I’m not sure if the little workers in Malaysia are clear on the size discrepancy but I think someone needs to get their blueprints together.  They make fat clothes on the same machines that they make skinny clothes.

(Nila N. Brown in no way endorses cheap labor in foreign countries.  What the hell you go do – tell me I’m lying?)

It’s like they used a model from the old Soviet Bloc for plus size clothing and just went with it as the blueprint for all fat chick chic.  I went into Cato’s, cuz you know I’m poor and broke but they have cute clothes.  I don’t try on clothes in the store, though.  I take that shit home and try it on.  I have a weird quirk about trying on clothes in the stores even when I was smaller.  Besides, I can always take them back, get my money or get what I want.  Anyhoo, I bought three blouses in the same size but only one of them fit.  The others made me look like I was smuggling Porky Pig.  It pissed me off that they were the exact same size.  You know who else has clothing like that?  Have you ever heard of Torrid?  They have one in the mall near me and while the clothes are extra cute, again they have a weird cut to them and nothing fits right, even if you size up, which is what I hate doing.  What’s in your size in one store doesn’t necessarily mean that it’s the same size in another store. OY!

Don’t get me started on jeans.

No wait - let me get started on jeans!  I HATE JEANS SHOPPING AS A FAT CHICK!  Okay seriously, low rise jeans look good on a skinny chick but on a fat chick?  Is that someone’s idea of a sick joke?  They’re hip huggers, so when a fat chick puts on a pair, they can’t come any higher than the hips.  Let’s do the math, shall we?  Fat chick + low rise jeans = a whole lot of ass cheek, belly overhang and some really unnecessary underwear viewing.  You could also end up in a photo spread on an internet joke site.  Fat chicks, for real though – when you walk down the street in low rise jeans, don’t you feel like they’re sliding down to your knees?  How the hell do you keep them up?  And what is your freaking obsession with matching them with a thong?  Just cuz they make the shit in yo size don’t mean yo ass have to buy it!  You’re paying MORE FOR IT and it looks stank!  

I miss mom jeans.  At least they fit and the belly overhang is kept to a bare minimum but it’s so hard to find them anymore.  I think it should be illegal to sell low rise jeans to fat chicks.  It’s bad enough when a skinny chick bends over and you can see thong and ass crack.  When a fat chick does it, it’s just wrong…wrong, yo.  I think some don’t really see it as they really do in real time.  We all look back at ourselves as we looked back in the day and see that slim and trim girl.  

Underwear shopping isn’t any freaking better.  I had huge Tetons before I gained weight and they’re just a little bigger now.  I’m thankful that they’re not sideshow freakishly big.  I still can’t shop on the rack for bras, though.  I have to go to a specialty store to find a decent bra.  Victoria’s Secret is definitely out of my range but then again, I don’t trust any underwear that you can just buy on little hangers.  I want my bras and bloomers sealed in vacuum tight plastic baggies.  This way I know some skank aint nasty enough to wear them and then take them back haven't worn them.  Some batsquacks do that shit, you know.  Think about it – when you buy Vic’s, is your cooch the only cooch that knows them?  It’s something to consider, isn’t it?

You know what else I can’t stand?  Stores for larger women that uses skinny models to advertise clothing.  It’s one of the reasons why I stopped shopping at Ashley Stewart.  When I inquired a few years back about this particular issue, they told me that it looks appealing on skinnier models. How the hell does that translate for big chicks like me?  I see something that looks like a size 2 and I’m supposed to imagine it on me?  That’s the dumbest shit I ever heard of.  I can see a cheetah print shirt on a skinny model and then look at it in my size.  On her, it looks like a cheetah newborn cub.  On me, it’s like a cheetah tribe.  I love cheetah print but this is why I don’t wear a lot of it.  But then again, I don’t think anyone should be head to toe in animal print.

For the record, cheetah print and leopard print are two different things.  I just wanted to point that out because some of you heffas don't even care...

Shoes are no better.  Yes I’m a fat chick but I have a narrow foot.  When I want cute boots or booties, I have a very difficult time finding my size 10 in a narrow foot.  The Avenue has tons of cute shoes, but they’re all "W" sized, meaning that the shoe is wide.  Yeah, that's all I need - a callous developing on my feet from sliding around in Shaq-sized shoes.  

Sigh…anyway…

At the end of the day, I’m happy with me although I want there to be a little less of me.  You have to be happy with you as a person.  If you have a poor outlook on life, it will reflect itself in how you look and feel about yourself.  People who know me will tell you that I have a lot of issues – low self esteem is NOT one of them.  I think the key to true weight loss is to see you for what you really are, not pretend that your mirror was made in the merry old Land of Oz.  You can accept that, go about fixing it, or just be happy with it but don’t be in denial.  That’s not healthy in the least bit.  You can lose the weight.  Just take your time, do it slowly and I highly recommend working with a nutritionist, who can help you select the type of food that you should probably be eating and still feel full.  Like I said earlier, don't let anyone make you feel bad about being overweight.  It's not like they have to haul the weight around themselves so let those bitches be insecure about their lives.  Get back at them by living yours to the fullest. I like cute clothing like the next chick and as I reach my weight loss goals, I feel more comfortable with buying clothing.  It’s near wintertime so I don’t really have a choice in that regard.  Last winter I wore my short sleeved clothes because I was hot flashing all over the place but now that’s subsided somewhat, I’m acutely aware of the nip in the air so I must dress for the occasion.  I just hope retailers can provide something decent for us.  My money is just as green as the skinny girls.  I count too, you know…even if I’m trying to lose it.

I mentioned my friend Linda Rennie earlier.  She hosts a Facebook account called “Healthy Recipes/Exercise Encouragement group.”  It’s an invite only group so send a request and ask for great advice and share your favorite healthy recipes.  She’s been a real inspiration to me and I appreciate all the advice she’s given me.  I think it’s helped me quite a bit.

https://www.facebook.com/groups/222624417842059/

Until next time, my Lovelies…Ciao!

~me~