Internet Macks - LET'S DISCUSS!

Disclaimer:  The Cheetah Diva is not now, or will she ever criticize internet booty calls/hook ups, get togethers or those who find love in the vast, endless cyberspace.  This is about the punks who pretend to be honorable but are really just out for the Poosah.

Hello my Lovelies!

Recently I was hanging out on Facebook with my favorite romance author Cheris Hodges.  She had a discussion going on about the diarrhea that spilled out of Steve Harvey's mouth.  For those of you who haven't followed this issue because you have real lives, somebody named Mimi who's a reality star/player/prop on a show (sorry...don't watch, don't follow, don't care) who has done a porn video featuring her climbing a shower curtain like an orangutan; I guess she wanted to be famous and hoped that it would launch her career (yeah, I know...I laughed too).

(side note: Uh, Mimi...black women doing porn - not that big of a deal to the general public. Lindsay Lohan, Amanda Bynes or Lucy Liu doing porn - will sell billions, but only if they do it with a BBC. What's a BBC?  Look that up on the internet - ignore references to the British Broadcasting Corporation. You can't expect me to do ALL the work...)

Innyolehoo, for some reason he fashions himself a relationship expert on the black woman; more specifically, the keeper/warrior for black women's virtue; more specifically than that, the judge, jury and executioner on how a black woman should carry herself...

...never mind those pesky little details of him cheating throughout his marriage on his wife with the home-wrecking thing he eventually married...

...so whenever a black woman has fallen from grace, Milk Dud takes time off from the Feud to make it his duty to get the black woman back on track. This time around, he found it necessary to comment on a grown ass woman about a sex tape she did...she aint do that shit by herself...and preach to the rest of us about our bodies and what we should do with them.  He went in saying as a mother, she should be considerate of her child. Okay, I can get with that, but then he took it to a level that made me stare at the screen and I quote:

"Stay out of the sex trade. You ain’t here for sex, you’re here for life. God didn’t create you for sex, he created you for life. He got things to do for you, with you, He has things he requires of you. You putting your most precious gift out on display.

I laughed my fat ass off!  You mean I wasn't created for sex?  And he wants to do things with me?? Worse, what does he require of me? I hope it's not to give birth again...got rid of the uterus last summer so that's gonna be a big fat not happening.

But just when you didn't think it could possibly get worse, HE KEPT TALKING!

See everything God made, He buried deep. He made it hard to get to. A pearl, you gotta dive to the bottom of the ocean. All his precious minerals are buried. Gold, you got to dig in the side of a mountain, and way down into the ground. Diamonds, you got to bore deep. Ain’t no diamonds laying on the top of the ground. They don’t grow like corn. You want oil, you got to barrel miles into the ground to get the precious minerals of God, and they put them in hard to reach places. This thing that y’all sitting on, this thing that every man got to have, your body, that precious jewel that’s in the most hidden place on your body. Think about that. See, God is smart. That’s why He put it where He put it cause it’s hard to get to. We can’t get to it unless you show it to us or give it to us. Think about that for a minute.

Yeah...I almost burst a blood vessel in my eye as I read this:

Don’t pass it around like it ain’t nothing to it, because you’re actually sitting on a gold mine. Please act like it, ladies. Act like you’re sitting on a gold mine, because it’s what every man is after, and we will pay dearly for it. Think about that, okay?”

Soooo there's gold in my cooter? And diamonds? And you'll pay dearly for it?  Wait - Shiny Penny, are you calling me a whore?  Because you know...that's kinda fucked up and if there were gold and diamonds in my cherry pie, don't you think I'd be living in a mansion in Bali, driving a Aston and drinking non-alcoholic champagne from a pimp cup? I can think of many things to do with wealth residing inside of the smiling brownie than let some punk go all 49'er up in there. Don't give it away unless some man pays for it, huh?  I think you just called me a whore...a slut at the most.

...and for your information my lovelies, the split-level development is not a cavernous tunnel.  Despite popular misconceptions to the contrary, infinity and beyond does not exist betwixt the pillars of steel. It really doesn't.

Okay so anyhoo, this was the discussion on Cheris' Facebook feed and before you knew it, some chump shows up and asks what she thought of black men incarcerated or wrongly imprisoned.

Huh? What? What the fuck did that have to do with the price of rice in China?  The discussion was about what Bowling Pin said. A couple of people engaged him and as I was watching, I was damn sure I was watching an internet mack but I needed more info, so I observed. His avatar showed an older man with locs but I didn't open the profile.  He wanted to "school us" on the knowledge and then said this:

"But I won't get on that soapbox because given the responses, y'all ain't ready to receive that'"

I started laughing because I now know his intentions.  I engaged him, throwing out things that, if he was truly a scholar and a gentleman, he'd try to articulate his thoughts along the line of a old wise sage.  Basically he agreed with what Dunk said about gold being up in them there snatch, but what happened was he pretty much repeated everything I said in an attempt to confuse me and make me think I was misunderstanding him.  Oh and he threw out my favorite thing of lunatic conscious folks - The Isis Papers!  Yeah, he's trying to be a total intellect but truth be told, I don't know very many people who've read it and didn't go cockraging bipolar.  That's not to say everyone who has read it took it too literally - people like this read it and suddenly they're Morpheus.  When I got bored, I broke off, told him he was a loser looking for ass play and blocked him.  I just wanted to expose him and to continue the discussion would have made me look just as bipolar.

Now then, Ladies!  Has this happened to you?

You're on the internet, perhaps on a message board or on Facebook/Twitter/Reddit/Instagram or whatever, and this guy approaches you, complimenting you on your intelligence and personality.  You converse back and forth and he says all the right things; how pretty you are, how you're so stylist, where were you all his life. You're blushing and happy because aint no man paid any attention to you in a long time for whatever reason.  He shares some hard luck story, making you empathize with him because you know...we women are nurturers;  or he tells you about his new business opportunity, making himself a big man.  He then wants to talk to you offline and privately where no one else could see. You don't have Skype but he tells you it's not expensive, so you get a web camera, hook up to Skype and before long, you're talking, having laughs, sharing images...

...but then, the talk gets sexier when he starts flirting...then he wants you to stand up so he could see your hips, legs and thighs. It turns to "are you wearing a bra? Your chest is so beautiful...I'll bet you won't show me." He stands up to "go get some water" and he has this flag pole between his legs. He's watching you because he wants to see your reaction. You're a little thrown at first but by now, he's groomed you to where you're comfortable so you flash a little boobie. Before you know it, you're virtual sexing on Skype and then he tells you he'll be in your city on a business trip and wants to hook up.  Again, you feel comfortable and go and hang out. You hook up and he raves about how much more beautiful you are in the flesh. 

(for real tho, if you know you look like a rhino's ass, your spidey senses should be tingling)

You go out on a date, dance, wine, dine and then the soft kissing starts. Before the night's over, he talks you into going back to your place.  You're all game for it and invite him back, which really should be another red flag...aint he got a hotel since he's in town on business?

Anyway, you go and do the coochiewalla and you're not even breathing normally before he's dressed and out the door, saying he'll see you later. A few days later, you come online and try to find him but he's gone, his profile's gone and the phone number he gave you doesn't work...cuz it's a throwaway phone.  Then one of your friends tells you that she saw you on Skype with your legs spread open on your desk and using a vibrator while squeezing one of your nipples screaming, "I'M COMING! I'M COMING! OOOOOOHHHHH!!!"

Congratulations!  You're been done by an internet mack!

Don't feel bad; millions of women fall for it. Guy who comes out of nowhere and sweeps you off your feet...online.  It happens!  Again, I know people who have met online and are now married so it's certainly nothing to turn one's nose up at. The internet has become a place to have fun, play games, meet people and for some, has become a virtual pick up joint like a lounge or club.  With the internet, he's recorded everything you've done without your knowledge and has put you on Front Street. It's too late...once it's out there, you're exposed for all the world to see.

The worst thing is the feeling of depression because you feel like you really made a connection and hoped that you slung the Puh-C well enough to make him fall for you. That's not what the mack is after - it's the score; a game, if you will.  I used to web on Black Voices back in the late 90's and I met a guy that I thought would be fun to hook up with. I entertained him but was not really going to do him because I was actually in a relationship at that time, but I was having fun.  He said he didn't like large women anyway so eh?  Not an issue.

However, his roommate was known as one of the four dirtiest macks in cyberspace but everyone knew it. See, they had this contest on how much pipe they could lay and this one chick met up with him and, thinking she was gonna whip it on him, she fell in love with him but he told her "ass is a dime a dozen." Seriously, I thought that bitch was gonna kill herself walking around all saggy and crying over some guy who just basically boned her like a ham and then walked off. I'm not sympathetic to her because she knew what he was and had driven from her city just to hook up, and then she caught some feelings that weren't reciprocated.

Eh?  Don't know whatever happened to either of them...well, I know what she became but I haven't given a shit to care. I stopped speaking to her a year after we moved to the same city and met. Ugh...insecure, manipulative, conniving ghetto chicken for sure. 

But anyway, ladies this is how you can spot an internet mack:

1.  You haven't met you but is overly complimentary to the point of Brady Bunch cheesy. 

2.  He's giving you a sob story; momma has lupus, dog hit by a car, or he has Stage III undercarriage cancer. He's trying to lower your guard.

3.  He wants to talk to you outside of the internet. He's trying to isolate you from others in the online group. 

4.  The sweet, gentle conversations turn sexual and they get more graphic as they continue.

5.  He always talks about his many offices and business he's opening...but is on the internet 24/7.

6.  He wants to meet you, but he's only flying in to take care of some business so you'll have to meet at a club or some other dingy hole.  

7.  If he hooks up with you, he takes you to a cheap $15.00 an hour motel in an area so crime-riddled the police are too scared to enter.

8.  He doesn't talk to you - he mimics what you're saying, (i.e., "You loved "Jason's Lyric? I loved it too!")  Aint no damn man watched that movie. 

9.  He's out working all of these causes and taking care of people, the elderly, Big Brothers/Big Sisters...but is on the internet 24/7.

Before you go online with some guy who's telling you all of the right things, really pay attention to what he's saying. See if he's talking to you as opposed to mimicking you. If he sees your profile, he can gather information and mimic it back to you, making you think he has some intuition. If anyone's still emailing, don't reply with all info...all you're doing is giving him more information and email addresses of friends for him to scam others...and for booty bouncing sake, don't fall for that Zodiac shit!

I have an interesting internet mack story. When I was posting on the Tom Joyner Morning Show board, I met this guy named "Pauly." He was just as I described in the guy on Cheris' Facebook page; all pseudo-intellectual, all about pushing black people up, had several offices in ATHell and in Detroit or somewhere up north, idunno...and always said the right things and at the right time.  I soon caught wind that he wasn't what he appeared to be and then I became cool with this one chica (we're tight to this day) but she didn't know he was trying to talk to me.  At that moment, she was seeing him but realized she was in trouble. She let him move in with her and he basically proved to be an unwashed, trifling, no-job having Move-In Romeo who was using her.  She kicked him out but then realized that he was trying to hook up with me and finally told me and me, being a demonic hellion, decided to see how deep that rabbit hole went.  I totally entertained him, online that is, trying to dig up info on him and see what was going on.  In the interim, I moved to ATHell and another girl tried to bust him out, but that skutmonkey didn't actually say what was up. It made me think she was afraid of him, but I kept digging at Pauly.  I soon found out that he was an ex-con locked up for robbing a bank. 

Now, I don't playa hate on an ex-con...well, it depends on what he did, but if you pay your debt to society, I don't hold it against you.  I aint go date you, but I'll be your friend.

The significance to this is he was always talking about "opening offices" after the loans came through. When you rob a bank and are convicted of such, you can't even WALK into a bank, much less open an account so I knew right then and there he was full of shit. I had a party at my apartment and invited him as well as my new friend.  He figured out that she was coming and immediately cancelled.  I told him to come anyway, I wanted to meet him.  I needed to see this thing; he couldn't be for real. He told me he had to go to Detroit or somewhere up north because he was opening a new office.  I asked him what.  He beat around the bush and I kept asking him...what are you opening?  He finally said a dot.com.  I told him the Dot.Com imploded about 2 years ago - try again.  What are you opening?  He told me he'd call me back.  

That was 2002.  I never heard from him again.

He made an appearance on the new TJMS board when it went to a kunena board and was filled with junky garbage people, but he posted the same way and someone recognized him and he skedaddled again; no doubt off to get another place to stay.

So ladies, if hooking up is your thing, do you.  I don't care. It's not my life and no one has to live yours but you and you don't have to answer to anyone about it.  Have your fun, but don't be fooled by internet macks who try to sweet talk you into going farther than you're willing to go. If the dude is honest about his intentions, then that's cool but if he's not and you don't have the constitution to deal with the aftermath, you could be putting yourself in harm's way.   A mack is defined by the Urban Dictionary as a verb: To hit on, flirt with, or seduce a female by using verbal or sometimes physical means of persuasion.  The only value this type of loser sees is what's between his legs; Lorena Bobbitt proved that to be a little next to nothing. 

Oh and by the way, Steve Harvey and those of who think like you, don't tell us how to behave. Teach your sons to be better men.

Ciao for now!

nnb