For The Fellas! Your Skanky Selfies and Boudoir Pictures: Why You Should Keep Your Damn Clothes On And Your Shit To Yourselves

Ladies, let's chat.

Has this happened to you?

You're web chatting with a guy, or on Instagram, Skype, Facebook, Tumblr, or Reddit, and he's telling you that he has his life on point; has told you what he does for a living, how banging his life is, how happy he is, and all he needs is that perfect woman at his side. 

At this point, if you're a young gal in your early to late 20's, the chance that you think this is the man for you is pretty high. You're young, inexperienced at some things, and tend to view the world with a special kind of naivete. You think he's cute and honest. That's not necessarily a bad thing, mind you. The world is in need of fantasy, wonder, and an innocence it hasn't seen since before Man learned to do more with that third leg besides pee on a tree.

Us older gals are a little bit more worldly. We've seen the world in all of its heMan glory. We know better.

Young gals:  "You're making money, your life is great, you have it all together! I think you're Mr. Right!"

Older gals: "You say you're making money, your life is great, you have it all together, but why are you on the internet 24/7 looking for women?"

Okay Ladies...have a seat. Time to sit, point, and laugh. It's time to talk to the fellas.

Fellas:

Hey!  The Cheetah Diva here.  How yall durng? How ya momma'nem durng? How's it hanging?

Not literally. I don't need to know that. It's probably a few inches lacking anyway.

Okay for real though. I think I covered most of this in my earlier blog, "Internet Macks - Let's Discuss!" I don't what you to think that I'm reposting or adding more to it.  No, this is the Cheetah Diva making fun of you.

At your expense.

Face it - men are probably the first ones in the history of the internet to do selfies and send them to the ladies, but it used to be undercover and in private chatrooms, not on social media. It's pretty much out of control at this point but don't misunderstand me; I'm a Selfie Queen - go to my Instagram page and see for yourself. However, I'm not sending my picture all over cyberspace to some random guy, nor am I looking for a hook up. Yeah, my rack has shown up unintentionally, but I keep those to a minimum.

Anyhoo, lately I'm seeing a lot of men who are sending pictures of themselves half nekkid and lying on a couch or bed or something on social media where everyone can see it. It's a really weird thing, you know. You're chatting, right? The conversation is going alright; you're relaxed, having fun, and enjoying yourself. Then, an image pops up. For some reason, he wants to share himself. Okay fine, but it's not a picture of him when he was in third grade and looked every bit of a snot-nosed hooligan (those are super cute, btw). No, it's a boudoir pic, or a half-nekkid selfie of him doing something nasty or stupid. They're showing up all over Facebook, Instagram, Tumblr, Reddit, 4chan (no, 4chan will eat dumbasses like this alive).

For example:

This looks uncomfortable. In fact, I can't tell if he has a charley horse or sat down on his baby cousin's little rubber duckie and it got stuck.

Fellas, I'm going to let you in on a little secret.  We laugh at these types of skanky pictures. Yes.  You men can be skanky. You just think it's sexy. We think it's funny because you're living in a fantasy.

Yall find it sexy because, well, yall just dogs.

No, really. We are laughing out asses off!  Why? Because it's funny!  We're not looking at this and thinking, "oh yeah, I wanna have your baby."  No, we're looking at this and shouting to the screen, "BOY, PUTCHO DAMN CLOTHES BACK ON!"

I don't know if this is a form of men being insecure, if you just want to get nekkid, or think that this is going to get you laid, but please stop. Gawd, if I posted every picture a man sent me online, I'd have enough to line a wall from top to bottom. After years of surfing the internet, I don't even entertain a guy trying to holla off to the side, so I haven't had one sent in years, but here are some that others have received, or I've found online. Remember - you take a selfie, it lives online forever!

Surfing the Hershey Highway

Look at this poor child. In the mirror with his surfboard body, and this bottle of chocolate syrup bought for his baby brother's third birthday gushing all over his sunken-in chest, wearing his momma's nurse aide stocking on his head. For real tho...your hand, Vaseline, and Black Tail Magazine. That will help you on those cold, lonely nights. Don't do this. (Sophia voice) It aint wurf it, Ms. Celie...it aint wurf it...

Bathroom BBQ Cowboy

Yes, ladies - this Singing Cowboy BBQ'ing wholesale chicken leg quarters in the bathroom is available. For the life of me, I can't understand why he's single...

Looking Hard In The Bathroom

Constipated, confused, and half-nekkid selfies in front of a dirty shower curtain is no way to go through life, son.

 

Little Red Panties

Dude waited until after the rest of the team left school. I'm sure his little red panties was on every phone in school the next day...

Dude...

This is what happens when black people join the klan.

Purple Rain, Purple Rain...

Prince Rogers Nelson isn't losing an ounce of sleep.

Metrosexual Manscaping 101

All I can see are the pubes. That is certainly not sexy. In fact, I had to get up and wipe the tears from my eyes. I'm trying very hard not to look up from my keyboard because if I do, all I see are pubes.

One-Stop Shopping Skanky

Your resume lists that you're a model, entertainer, rapper, producer, promoter, dancer, and singer. Dude, your short, pleather vest-wearing ass in the hot 85 degree southern sun live in Atlanta, GA.  Say it with me - "I'm a stripper."

Now here's a break in the action; the difference between skanky and sexy.

This is Kevin Boue.  He's either a model or a fitness instructor. I haven't figured it out because I've been perving him like a dish for about two weeks now so I don't think that I really care if he's a paperboy. This is the opposite of what the losers above did because Kevin is working with a professional photographer, Adrian D. Freeman of AFreeman Photography in Miami.  This is what he brought to the game:

Now, this is classy. Sexy, mysterious, sensuous, and has me drooling like a baby. I aint go lie - he can get it. That's because he's not trying to be desperate or thirsty. His confidence shows in his stance, and I would make this dude breakfast the next day. I'm not talking Capn Crunch with a cup of yogurt. No, he'd get eggs, toast, applewood bacon, coffee, grits, pancakes with real butter, orange juice with the morning paper at his side. I would do this shit butt ass nekkid wearing Tweety Bird slippers and an apron while humming, "It's A Man's World." YES, THE FUCK I WOULD! 

The Facebook page that this was posted in had blown up to about 550+ posts. 

Then, of course, an attention whore had to enter the arena...and took the shit to a lower, skanky level:

Yes. The "dick" pic. [sarcasm]That's exactly why we're online...to see you and your swangin dang-a-lang [/sarcasm]. I think what would have been funny if his mother posted to that page and saw her son like that, and then she post something like, "Boy, me and your Aunt Bertha are logging off now. iCan't."

If you've sent a picture like these to a woman and she texts back that you're sexy, she really doesn't think this. She's trying not to hurt your feelings. What she's actually doing is posting this to her Facebook page so she and her friends can laugh. It gets shared, and then shared again. Before you know it, every woman on the face of Planet Rock is laughing, and why not?  This is thirst to the Sahara Desert level. This is seriously no better than when women do it. Men just don't care because, once again, yall dogs.

There was this one chick that I and a bunch of others used to web with. She was really ill and we tried our best to keep her spirits up, but she got in with this manipulative, conniving, piece of diseased moose ass and he actually turned her against us. She stopped speaking to us because of it. Anyhoo, he sent his picture to her and she was on the thirsty side; describing him in terms of potato chips.

Couldn't eat chips for a year after that.

Men, don't get mad or twisted. When you look back about 30 years, you know...when you're that old head in the club wanting to drank a woman's bath water, someone will show you an old thirst picture of yourself and it'll bring back wonderful memories of when you had a chest that didn't look like a country back road. 

I laugh at most of this because in a twisted way, it's funny and desperate of you. However, it's really not a laughing matter. No one wants to be sexually harassed. Imagine your daughter being online and someone sends her a disgusting picture of his dick. How would you react to this? Would it piss you off, or would it bring flashbacks at the last woman YOU did this to? Do better. Be better. Just stop it. Keep your damn clothes on. Dick a is dime a dozen on any street corner, and I've seen better. If this is all you have to bring to the table, then you must not be worth much to begin with.

Aint that what yall tell us?  What's good for the goose, you know...

Ciao!

nnb

11/3/14:

INTERESTING ADDENDUM TO THIS BLOG:

You notice above that I said that I haven't seen a dick pic in ages. Well, I think someone calling himself "Abdi Ranbow" saw this blog and decided to have some fun, or was just lonely like he said. When he posted, "I'm just lonely" shit, I knew what kind of party this was and was texting with a friend at the time his message popped up. When I got the original PM, I showed it to friends; we could tell this was going to be drama. As his messages came through, I told my friend, "oh, here we go. I'm going to get a dick pic!" If you read my PMs, I was very clear to indicate that I wasn't interested in anything other than my writing career, even when I saw his "I'm lonely" thing and knew what was coming, I was very clear in not giving him any inclinations that I somehow wanted a picture of his smelly-looking dick.

Sure enough...

Well, I'm going to put you on Front Street; not because I'm evil like that...okay, I'm evil like that, but I wasn't sure if it was because of this blog, or if this is how thirsty you are. Either way, you wanted a moment in the spotlight - here you go! I have no problem with letting an attention whore bask in his glory. This stank ass ratchetness and all you did was prove my point and validate the blog. You know what they say - post your pic in cyberspace, it lives forever! I wasn't sure if my blog was being read, but now I have confirmation that it is. Since posting this desperate and lonely loser, this particular entry has been shared and read over 100 times. THANKS, LOSER!

This loser

Sent this

Mama Ranbow, is this how you raised your son? We frown on you and your shenanigans.

I got to admit - this will all make a funny novel one day...and my sick sense of humor is nothing short of spectacular!

GOODNIGHT, CLEVELAND!