The Gift of Sanity: Your Cheetah Diva's Year in Review

 Hello my Lovelies!

It's that magical time of the year; you know...where I love saying, "I'll go into the new year with a renewed sense of optimism and hope that this year will be the best year ever!"

You know what happens - the year ends up sucking rotted monkey butt.

Well, this year was no different. I went into 2014 happy that things at the j.o.b. that pays the bills were going to get better. They didn't.

I went into the year hoping to have my trilogy finally published. I didn't (one book short).

I tried to rally the troops for the "We're Not Bitches" thingy. Well, you know...women.

I went into the year hoping to be a little bit smaller. I really didn't accomplish that one. Hell, I didn't even come close!

I did manage to accomplish a lot, though. While I didn't finish my trilogy this year, I did publish two books, I made it to the Miami Boat Show despite the "Two Inch Blizzard of the Deep and Durrty South," I went home to St. Louis and had my Shrimp St. Paul, and I finally got my daughter through the first of three college degrees in nursing that she's seeking.

YAY ME!

I can't call the year a monumental success, but it wasn't a bit fat goose egg either. I went into each endeavor hopeful, but if I had to be honest with myself, I wasn't trying that hard. Except the weight thing - I pinched a nerve in my thigh. That couldn't be helped and that's the only failure I can actually lay the blame elsewhere - sunovabitch, it hurts like hell too.

I think I've spoken at length about my anger management issues, clinical depression, and my trigger-happy temper. Growing up, I was reserved, studious, always had a book in hand, but I was high strung. That changed when I integrated into a high school in the early 80's, and my high strungness developed into full-blown anger management issues; the likes of which, when I look back on it, scared me. It's hard to believe that a person can go through so much stuff and not be in jail for serial murder, but I lived through it. It took issues late in my adult life to trigger them again, and because I'm an adult and can't just use it as an excuse to cold cock a hater in the mouth with my fist, I had no other outlet for the anger, so I inverted, developing clinical depression as a result. I make no excuses for it, mind you. I'm fully aware that there are other ways to handle stressful situations. I didn't understand this was the start of my depression.

Being a girl from the Midwest living in the deep, durrty south doesn't make it easy in the least bit. Unless you make friends with transplants, you're not going to find support with the native population. They're simply not brought up like that (cradle-to-the-grave mentality). Then to have "Ferguson" happen a month after my visit back to the 'Lou sent me into an abyss that, when I think about it, took months to climb out of.

I could go on and on and on about how my year sucked/was awesome/was meh (I think I told yall I have a drag queen's flair), but that's not what I'm feeling right now. Things got very bad at the beginning of December; a friend had died the month before, and then something especially cruel and heartbreaking happened to me at the j.o.b. that pays the bills that had absolutely nothing to do with the ongoing issues there, and it was perpetrated by those who you'd think would have been more understanding. It triggered a psychotic break in which I honestly couldn't remember most of my day. I completely spiraled out of control. All I know is I listened to the same heavy metal song for the better part of 7 hours that day without uttering a word to anyone, unless the phone rang. Odd that I was a functioning clinically depressed individual. Anyway, the desire to take a violent turn was so strong that I had to call my therapist to talk me through it.

The kind, benevolent, patient, understanding, good-to-all-women, king of gentleness himself - Chris Brown, said it best:

"These hoes aint loyal."

Anyway...

Later, I spoke to a manager who had been helping me with the racial issues. I had to - I was reaching out in desperation and had no where else to turn. He helped me clear my head and steered me onto another path. He's a pretty cool guy and has my father's wisdom. I miss that about my father more than anything, so I went to see my therapist later that day and you know something? For the very first time, I think I had a breakthrough with my development in terms of the anger issues, and with my life in general.

You see, I'm a Type A personality with borderline behavior and a Joan of Arc complex. In other words, I'm an overachieving badass with Capn' Save-A-Hoe tendencies. I can live with that. I tend to have a nurturing and protective nature. The clinical depression, however, didn't help this at all and it took coming full circle to understand that. I had to realize that it's not my place to wonder why others are doing what they're doing, how they're behaving, and that it's alright to take care of myself. It's not my place to fix other people or get others to see things. It has to be enough that I look in the mirror, see what's wrong with me and my life, and strive to be a better person to myself...not to others...to myself. We as a people don't think of ourselves as being depressed, but it's not a white person illness - it's a human illness, and part of my issue was actually suppressing the fact that I was depressed and needed to stop fighting the stereotype of it.

Hmmm. Who woulda thought it?

I'm grateful to metal god Corey Taylor of Slipknot. His frank and open discussion about his depression was a breath of fresh air. No one likes to even cop to it, much less discuss it. He put his out there, scars and all, and came out a great guy for it. I swear, I must have played "Duality" so many times, I know the drum beats by heart. The first part of it goes:

I push my fingers into my eyes

It's the only thing that slowly stops the ache

But it's made of all the things I have to take

Jesus, it never ends

It works its way inside

If the pain goes on, I'm not going to make it.

I swear, he pulled that out of my head and put it to music. I could totally relate to it; every situation that was going on for me over the past nearly four years, every argument, every disappointment, every lash across my back - this was me. This is what I was going through.

But then, I had my breakthrough. By the middle of December, and after my really enlightening session with my therapist, I was smiling again; not smiling just to make people shut the hell up and go away - I felt a joy that I haven't felt in a really long time. I was so happy, in fact, that I was finally able to sit down with my supervisor and open up to him. I hadn't done that before EVER, but we had a really good talk...of course, the next day, it was announced that he was transferring to another department in another state, and I'd have to start all over again, but you know, I'm good. I'm actually glad we finally had that breakthrough to where I felt comfortable enough to talk to him, and that meant more to me than anything. I feel like I'm really on my way. I left for the holiday break in a good mood.

Of course, I caught that ugly flu that was going around...but other than that, the end of the year was a high note for me.

"Duality" gave way to "Happy" and "Do My Thing." 

And if you're expecting me

To give you an apology

For being nothing like you're used to (used to)

Well go on right ahead and wait

Hold your breath and concentrate

Keep holding 'til your face turns blue.

Don't get me wrong - I still crank "Duality," not because it helps soothe the anger, but because it's hot, hard driving and sexy as hell.

It's not enough for me to want change. I have to work for it. I can sit here all day long and point the fingers at others, but at the end of the day, I have to be the change I want to see. As righteous as I've been in this whole situation, no one has suffered more than me, and it's been pretty much a self-inflicted gunshot wound. Closing myself off and being angry only made me suffer. I can't live my life like that anymore.

I have to strive to work harder, rise up better, and figure ways around my anger issues; instead of getting mad at the drama, I have to problem solve my way around it and handle it better. One way to do that is to disassociate myself from drama and the people that come with that much baggage. I can't allow the sociopathic ratchetness of others dictate how I feel about myself and how I react to things. I can still have a protective nature, but I have to protect me for a change, and whatever happens to others has to happen. They have to find the will to fight the way I've chosen to, and I have to be okay with that. The cosmic universe tends to balance itself - if that remains true, I don't have to worry about the others; it'll happen one way or the other. I can't think about any of that.

I found out that I have many strengths...and many weaknesses. I also found out that I have the strength to let it go.

I'm grateful every morning that I open my eyes. I look at it as another day to get things right, live my life better, and for the first time in a long time, I feel a renewed sense of hope, and I'm not going through the motions - I have to make my life better and I see that now. I'm looking forward to 2015. After all, it's my 50th Anniversary year, I have a hectic writing schedule, my prospects are good, I'm moving to a new apartment in February, and I feel like my future is really about to start and kick into high gear.

We shall see...

 

Can you believe I'll be 50 in August? It don't crack, suga!

 

Peace! Cya next year!

~me~