Going To Concerts In The 70's, Which Explains Why I Have Issues Today

Hello, my Lovelies!

As of February 9th, Year 2016 is 40 days old, and we've had some of our best and brightest leave us way too soon, some before last year's end:

Natalie Cole, Lemmy Kilmister (December 31, 2015)

Willie Guest (Pips - December 24, 2015) 

Scott Weiland (Stone Temple Pilots - December 3, 2015)

David Bowe (January 10, 2016)

Glenn Frye (January 18, 2016)

Paul Kanter (Jefferson Airplane - January 28, 2016)

Alan Rickman (omg! January 14, 2016)

Abe Vigoda (if he's gone, there's no hope for the rest of us. I hate to tell you but we're all gonna DIE! January 26, 2016)

...and sadly, Maurice White of Earth, Wind, and Fire (February 3, 2016). EWF was a huge part of my childhood in the 70's and I was so sad to see someone who was like an old friend saying hello through his music drift out of this plane of existence. We really need people like him in this harsh, cruel world. It feels a lot colder without him.

Here's what bakes my cookies about insensitive people, and why I prefer the company of unicorns, funyuns, and pepper jack cheese - you get those creeps who are quick to say, "people die everyday! I don't know what the big deal is that some fafiillionaire died!"

[sarcasm]Really? I mean, I thought that when people died, they went to Mississippi, but I had no idea that people die all the time.[/sarcasm] Here's why ordinary everyday people feel sad when a celebrity dies. This is probably someone who has brought them immense joy and pleasure over the years. You've had a bad day or a bad life, so you go home and pop in your favorite movie or song, and lose yourself for awhile. There's nothing wrong with that. It's pure escapism, and you mourn someone who has given you so much when you had so little to give to yourself. It hurts, and you want to take a moment or two to celebrate that person's life. You may never have met that person or seen them in concert, or run into them on the street, but you're thankful that, for a few moments, they made you the center of their world by sharing their gift. So lighten up, dingus!

What if this same creep came up to me crying, "my grandma died!" and I was to say, "so what? Grandmas die every day! What was so special about yours?" Now, boys and girls, wouldn't I be the type of jerk worthy of a low class seat on the Soul Plane going to hell wearing a gasoline corset? I'd deserve it, too. but I would never do that, my Lovelies. The beautiful, sexy, divalicious jerk that I am, there are two boundaries I never cross when I'm ranting - children and the dead. Children are guileless and the dead can't defend themselves. It's in poor taste and I won't pander to the lowest common denominator.

I will, however, talk about your ugly dog. I won't kick it, but I will talk about that mangy, flea and tick riddled cancer-in-the-flesh until you wash it or hide it.

Anyhoo, until I learned what "voulez-vous coucher avec moi, se soir" meant, the music of my tween years was pretty tame and almost party-like. You could not go wrong with EWF, Parliament, K.C. and the Sunshine Band, The Doobie Brothers, ABBA, The OJays, Santana, Aretha when she really found her groove, Gladys Knight and the Pips, WAR, The Isley Brothers, The Jackson Five - look, even today you CANNOT hear the musical introduction chords to "I Want You Back," without going to a 1972 state of mind.  When I say that, I mean I have this whole picture in my head of what that time actually looked like - jump rope, bolo bats, those striped jeans and matching jacket with the multi-colored pockets, pigtails, jacks, Mr. Softee...the list goes on!

Sorry...let me pull myself together.

Okay then, you get the idea. I know there were tons of more serious songs sung by groups or singers who had a more "sultry" sound, but I was a kid. I didn't understand them nor did I try. In the 70's, we were allowed to be children. Today's Child is so desensitized and so sexualized that they know more than grownups. We didn't really face the obstacles that are thrown out there for Today's Child to process.

I take that back - yes we did; we just didn't know it. You remember how your mother would tell you not to talk to strangers or sit on someone's lap. No one would explain it and you didn't think anything of it. You just did what you were told and left it at that. The "Boogieman" was behind every bush and you had to be on the front porch before the street light came on. Looking back on it, I understand the concern.

Hmmm...interesting times.

So that brings me to this blog. I was having a chat with my frinz, Wendy Harris and Nikki Abbott. I'm going to put them on blast because I'm just an evil little chocolate thing...

The discussion was about movies that we haven't seen. You know...it's usually a blockbuster and everyone on the planet has seen it or heard about it. Well, not all people are inclined to see whatever is on the silver screen. Maybe I'ont like somebody in it or the subject matter. I'll be blunt - I've never seen "Mahogany." I'm not a Diana Ross fan. Something about her just rubbed me the wrong way, and the one movie I did see her in, "The Wiz," I hated. It had nothing to do with her. Okay, maybe it did because Dorothy was supposed to be like 11 years old or something and Diana was about 72...a hard 72. Don't get mad - I know it wasn't just me, and I was a little kid - I could see it. You ever seen a wet cat? No? Well, there's a reason for that - they don't like getting wet. When they do, they look like they're on the edge of a violent drowning and used 6 of their 9 lives to fight back. That's what she looked like in that movie. Hardly some young ingenue, and definitely straight past the "clubbing 20-something" age by several generations. The whole concept of the movie irked me; it was dirty, ugly, Heckle and Jeckle-looking. I watched because I was a huge Nipsy Russell fan. He broke my heart, man...he broke my heart. And Mabel King on the an oversized toilet? I guess toilet - throne.

Gross. That whole movie concept was a throwback to an era that was a throwback to the types of movies that are thankfully in the past.

Wendy, Nikki and I continued onward with the discussion cuz you know, we got issues like that, and I admitted that I didn't dig Billy Dee Williams. Nikki was on the verge of throke punching me but it had nothing to do with him as a movie star. I just didn't get the whole sexy thing with him, but then again, I was just a kid. Sexuality didn't affect me like that. I just saw an actor. I didn't really pay any attention to him until he played Lando Calrissian. By then, I was about 15 but I still didn't see him as sexy. That suave, debonair thing that he did in the malt likka commercials was just weird. I think he's just a few years younger than the Emancipation Proclamation signing and he still does that suave thing. It's just creepy now. It's like Bela Legosi when he was in the Dracula movie back in 1931, and when he was Dracula in 1956. (cringing) Billy's even still wearing the baby hurh conk, but it's Trumpian in its comb back effect.

Just...noooooo. Please...gaaaaaawd....nooooooo. Let it goooooooo.

Oh, don't worry...it didn't take long for me to discover boys...and El DeBarge. You couldn't tell me I wasn't going to marry him, kick Bunny out of the picture, and he and I would live happily ever after with our children El Jr., Stephanie, Ella, Lavelle, and Junebug. Looking back on it, I don't know what I was thinking. That dude left a trophy in every state but Alaska and Vermont. Every woman north of the Rio Grand sued him for child support.

Anyhoo, so the discussion went on and Nikki said that he could sing the panties straight off. 

So you know me by now, right? That triggered a memory that I hadn't shared with them. Weird, I thought I had talked about it but I guess not.

I was about 12 years old, and the sexy crooner of the day was Teddy Pendergrass. Again, I'm not getting it because I'm just a kid without a libido or a clue. He was in town doing a concert, and my mother, three aunts and a family friend had scored tickets at the Kiel. I can't remember who the fifth person was but she couldn't make it. My Aunt Ros told my mother, "let's take Josie. She'll enjoy it." By the way, Josie is my childhood nickname but anyway, after a long discussion, my mom agreed. Off I went feeling like this big girl going out on the town. Back then, you could take a camera but you couldn't use it after the first song. It's not like it is now, where you have an iPhone or an Android and can film it. That was frowned upon back in the day because of bootlegging.

It was my very first concert ever, so there I was feeling like a big girl. I wasn't really into his music because at that age it was over my head, but I was out and about on the town and didn't care. We had some good seats, too - close enough to the stage.

About three songs in, something flew up on the stage. I kinda blinked because I didn't see them real good; then more flew up. It took me a minute to realize that they were pannies - not "panties," "PANNIES"...and back in the 70's they aint have no thongs or g-strings...nah, it was a parachute parade as granny pannies rained down over my head and around me. I burst into tears, asking "WHY THEM WOMEN THROWING THEY PANNIES UP LIKE THAT??" My mother was like, "close your eyes." One of my aunts, I think Donna, said "Shirley, what were you thinking," but my fragile state of mind could not hold a candle to "Get Up, Get Down, Get Funky, Get Loose." 

My mom sucked as a parent! She was the OG of No Chill. This was not something that you could just unsee - her and my aunts just kept cheering while I was trying to dodge this constant barrage of Hindenburg-sized bloomers. Until I gained weight over the years, I honestly had no clue that pannies came sized 747. I really didn't. No clue. I figured it was Army surplus left over from a war or something, so the extra material was used to make these Godzilla briefs. Jeesuz Tapdancing Khrist, Mom!

I was traumatized. I couldn't look at or listen to Teddy after that for anything. I was shamed, and in the upcoming months and even a year or two, I would avert my eyes whenever I saw a dimpled, bubble butt woman. I knew she had them all-over pannies on and if Teddy came down the street, them bad boys were coming off! You know back in the day, you knew when somebody was wearing pannies - they were tight. You could see every line and for some reason, no one knew their size. I guess we all wanna be a little smaller and think that overly tight pannies would just, you know, make that magically happen.

I also learned that pannies didn't just come in cotton. Nah, they made satin pannies too, and not just white ones. Nikki reminded me that they came in eggshell, pink and powder blue. Nowadays, there aint a color that the rainbow hasn't farted out, but back then, there were very few colors or styles to choose from and the color of the pannies defined your personality. White - virgin. Red - those were Satan's pannies! Beige - you aint have no clean pannies and that's all that was in the drawer until Mom did the laundry. I don't think they made black pannies until the 90's. I don't recall ever seeing any, other than a girdle, and we were that 80's Generation that was not wearing a gee-dee girdle. Yellow was little kids in training pants. Then there were Underoos, but I was too cool for those.

I know what you're thinking - Diva, did you ever get over the whole concert thing and go to another one? Well, my Lovelies...YES I DID! When I was 16, me and several of my closest friends dolled up and made our way into what turned into my second concert experience - Millie Jackson! OOOOHHH, CHILE WHEW! Let me tell you - I learned some stuff! I was taking notes on what El was gonna have to do to keep me happy. Millie was the best sex ed teacher I ever had! She should be in a university teaching a course or something.

I think my best friend's sister dimed us out to her mom because she called my mom, who rolled up on me talking about "who told you that you could go to see Millie and what do you know about her anyway?" Beside the numerous Millie albums she thought she hid really good but we kept "finding?" I told her she should be happy - she prepped me by taking me to see Teddy a few years ago so why was she mad?

Turned around and walked away like a boss.

(toothy grin)

So here's your assignment, my Lovelies. Think about your very first concert experience. Was it good? Was it bad? What did you learn from it? 

More importantly, did you remember what it was like to truly enjoy yourself? You know, it's really weird to look at music in today's terms. I remember being crestfallen to hear some of my favorite songs actually being played on the oldies station. When I think of oldies, I think of what my parents listened to in the 60's. That's some pretty good music too.

Okay, my Lovelies! I have a busy schedule this year and I hope I'll be at a convention near you. I'll keep you updated on my tour dates and travel schedule. Until then, pop WAR's "All Day Music" in your player and just mellow out to a beautiful tune. You know, like we did back when "Summertime" by Kool and the Gang even felt like a cool, summer breeze. 

Until then, outie!

~me~