Telling The World You're Real When You're Really Fake. Stop It Because You Aint Fooling Nobody

Hello My Lovelies!

Yes, I know...it's been AGES!!! I've had so many health issues this year that it took up most of my time. I also have never ending drama in the work place to deal with and while I'm no closer to a resolution on it, I have found some common ground to stand on. I'm thankful for that. The fact that I didn't have a psychotic break was refreshing. Held it together - yay me!

Anyhoo, I feel the need to reiterate something that's been renting space in my head as of late - work place friends. I had an interesting discussion with some friends over the weekend; you know...after my Star Wars binge out at the local multiplex. You're not a nerd if you see it just once! No, I wanted to get my friends' opinion of some things. Then I had an issue (when am I ever NOT in some sassafrassing drama??) with someone at work when she called us "friends." I immediately said, no, we're not; we're "frienemies." I know that was the wrong word. No, we're not friends but I could have used a better word. I try to work on not saying the first thing that pops in my head but today was long and I was tired. It just came out that way. She and I tend to be friendly towards each other for a minute, but then for some reason we walk past each other and don't speak. I'm not sure why that is. I kinda think it bothered her, tho. I may talk to her about it, but right now I got too much going on to stress on it.

To put it bluntly, I don't have friends at work. I've never said that to anyone in the work place. I'm friendly towards people, but I've never called anyone my friend. Came close once, but it never quite came together. Now, I have the "Chill Crew" - those are the three/four who have access to my everyday "Nila" Facebook account, or who I know have my back. They know more about me than anyone inside of the j.o.b. that pays the bills and they're intimate in what's going on.

Then there are the "Cool As A Fan Crew." I confide certain things to them. We talk about some personal stuff, then we talk about a lot of stuff. You might have access to other social media accounts.

There are those I'm aight with. I speak to regularly, ask about the wife/husband/kids, talk about little stuff to.

Then you have those I just say hi and bye to. Nothing good or bad; just "meh."

Then...there are those I'ont fuck with. Two faced, fake, ratchet as hell, lie like a cheap rug, but will look you in the face and smile wide enough to unhinge their jaw and show you every last tooth in their head. They revel when you fall and then ask you "what happened?" It's almost like they have no one else to talk to outside of the work place. That's because those who know them are just as miserable, but I digress.

How I operate in the work place is how I operate in the real world. I don't just say, "I speak my mind and if I got something to say, I said it." I actually do this. I don't expect this in kind in the work place, however. Navigating through an office environment is pretty much like making your way from one side of the Killing Fields to the other and actually winning if you have the least amount of bayonet holes in your gut. You can either play the game, sit on the fence, or just say to hell with this and do your own thing. If I say something negative about someone, you best believe that I'm not in that person's face giving fakegasms. I know what to say and to whom. 

That's just how it is with me. You can get with that or keep it moving. Either way, I don't break a stride or a nail worrying about it. If I don't pay you no mind, again - keep it moving. I mean, for real, tho...how the hell you get mad at me for ignoring you when I see you with some other crone gesturing to me and laughing? I'm not blind or deaf. I see you. That fact that you think that you're invisible means you're a magically special kind of stupid that only grows under dried dog shit. 

I'm not going to call you my sister, my friend, my ABC, my road dog. That's not who we are and that's not who I am. I had play cousins once...then I grew up. They're now called "friends."

For some odd reason, people like to describe me as "nice," as in "Oh, Nila you're so nice and so sweet and so gosh darn nice!" No, I'm not. If you think I'm nice, then you don't know me at all. In fact, if you were to tell my friends that I'm nice, they'd laugh at you and say, "no really. Who are you talking about?" 

I can be affable and friendly. Hell, on some occasion I may go out of my way to make sure you have something that you need. If I can get it for you, it's yours. The really cute thing about it is I won't look for anything in return. When you do something for someone, you're not supposed to. That would be you being a bag of tiny dicks. I try to think about how someone would feel if I dumped on them for the sake of being a bully. I don't need to make someone feel bad to make myself feel or look better. No, the truth is I can be caustic, crude, mean and ornery as hell. I'm honest about it but willing to strive towards being a better person today than I was the day before. If I'm wrong about something, I will look you in the face and apologize. If I'm right about something, I'm happy with that and will leave it at that; no need to rub your nose in it.

When I compliment someone, and I love doing this with the Sistahs, I don't do it to be fake - I genuinely mean it. See, my theory is to show someone that you care about them; that they matter to you or the world. Sometimes, you might catch someone who is having a lousy day. A nice word goes a long way. A compliment will go even further. Don't do it because you're trying to score karma points. Do it because you feel it. A week ago, I was having a bad morning and had resigned myself to just sitting in my safe zone without letting anyone in, and out of nowhere one of the Sistahs sent me this note that said I brightened up her day and she was glad that I worked there. It lifted my spirits and my day as cake after that. 

Despite it all, I do think that we could be in a better place with each other. I think there are good people there who are honest, trustworthy and cool, and while I strive to bring us together, I know some heauxs are a lost cause. 

I'm being very blunt today. It's been a stressful end of the year.

Smile, but only if it's genuine. There's nothing worse than a set of pearly whites gleaming in your face while a set of beady little eyes are tearing you to shreds. No, for real tho. Think of your eyes as a reflection of your brain. If your brain is on some shit, shit is what shines through. You think no one sees it but yeah, we all do. Some will just nod their head and smile at you and keep it moving. They're over your fakeness but are are better at smiling at you because you're so easy to fool. You think that this will get you anywhere, but it doesn't. It especially doesn't work for us. It's a small office, everyone hears you, the ones you confide your two facedness to runs your crap around the office, you stupid and don't have the sense to see it or know it. When you come into the space and someone shouts, "UH OH! HERE COMES TROUBLE!" that's not a compliment, boo boo.

I'd laugh if it wasn't so tragic. 

I knew this one girl in this medical office who had this sweetie pie voice when she was talking to you. You know what I mean. The voice goes into this baby doll kittenish voice when she's saying "okay, alright" like that girl Paris from American Idol some years back.... 

...no, really. She would raise her voice several dog whistle octaves to make this baby voice come out. This is how we knew she was about to be two faced...

...then someone walks away and she takes a nasty dig at them. She told me and one other girl, "I speak my mind." I had to tell her no, boo boo...you two faced. See, telling you that you're two faced to your face is speaking your mind. Waiting until someone walks away and call them a fat ass is being two faced."

She didn't get it. I let it go. The other girl just shook her head.

The only time I let this kind of drama bother me is when someone told this other girl that I had talked about her. It wasn't true but it didn't stop her from shading me after that. I actually admired this person and had looked up to her so I was bothered when I realized that she wasn't speaking to me. I tried to meet with her to discuss it, but she didn't want to be bothered, saying the company doesn't pay her to make friends. I can respect that so I let it go and moved forward. I had bigger fish to fry and if she didn't want to deal with it, I was good....except she walked around for almost 4 years whining about it to anyone who would listen. Whatever. I kept moving. She was recently let go and come to find out, she was thrown under the bus by someone being two faced and had stabbed her in the back.

That there is what you call "ironic."

I honestly feel sorry for people like this. This is truly no way to live. How would anyone trust or believe anything you did or said? Why would anyone invest in you as a person when all you show is moral bankruptcy? How do you equip your children with the necessary tools for success if your world view is that of negativity? If they see nothing positive at home, they will see nothing positive in the world. I guarantee if you show them "shit" at home, they'll only see "shit" it when they leave it. You have to strive to be a better person than this. We cannot rule the world if we're missing that basic gene that makes us want to strive towards being a good person; not a perfect person, but a good person. It's an ugly game you chose to play, but you chose it. Own it, change it, be a better person. 

Imagine yourself being in your 80's or older. You're in an old folks home and no one visits you because they hate you. You made their lives miserable with your constant ratchetness and now they're glad to never have to see you again. No really - they're not going to visit you. Ever. It's your birthday, and you're sitting in the old folks' community rec room with a birthday hat, a bowl of jello with a candle sticking out of it and the room smelling like Depends and despair while the workers and a few non-dementia patients are off key singing the birthday song because your brats didn't bother. Then you sit there in true denial about how you screwed the pooch. In fact, the only kid that will bother himself with you does it to make sure your papers are signed over to him so that when you finally croak, he'll get all of your shit and throw you in a hole. Hell, he might even bury you in a casket donated to a thrift store because it was that Robin's Egg blue holdover from 1972 for the amazingly discounted price of $16.99. 

Oh yeah, that was mean. True, tho. I know someone who did that. This is what happens when you're a ratchet, ugly person and your kids grew up with your hot buttered brand of evil and now hate you, my Lovelies. Remember that.

At the end of the day, let's face it - I'm too damn grown, too damn sexy and have too much going on for me to be this ratchet. I don't care about being liked, popular, trendy, or follow the crowd. I have friends and family who love and care about me, and that's enough. I can live with being hated on by fake people. I'll sit at my desk with my headphones on and if it's a song that I really like, I'm bopping my head up and down and don't give a damn who sees it. 

That's who I am. A Party of One. Join or stay in your lane. It makes no nevermind to me.

Programming note - I had a book release scheduled for the 17th, but I had upload issues and my book got scrambled. It's taking me some time to put it back together but hopefully I'll have it done by year's end. Eh? My life is sooooo weird...

Peace! 

~me~