Black Women...and Cake: Bringing The Pain, One Chocolate Slice at a Time

Let's have this discussion again. I don't think ya heard me the first time. We'll try it in a different way...because I'm extra like that.

Hello, My Lovelies!

This is a cake. It’s a very beautiful chocolate cake and probably very delicious. “We” didn’t get a piece. There’s a reason for that: “We” were too busy being extra and ratchet.

Let me explain.

Imagine, if you will: Ten ladies at a round table – five ladies on one side, and five on the other side: a dark skinned lady, light skinned lady with long, wavy hair, a lady with a weave, a lady with an afro and a lady with a perm.

And then there’s that beautiful cake in front of them. It’s a fairly large chocolate cake with three layers and ten pieces are already cut, just waiting to be served.

This is how this conversation went:

One of the ladies leans in closer to the lady with the weave and delicately whispers, “you know, the dark skinned lady is going after your job.” 

The lady with the weave looks at the dark skinned lady and whispers back to the lady, “I see how she’s trying to work her way into my projects! There’s no way that’s going to happen!”

“Yes,” the lady delicately whispers, “she’s jealous of you and is always trying to take credit for the work that you do. I don’t know how you tolerate it!”

The lady with the weave nods and says to the dark skinned lady, “I see the haters have entered the building!”

The dark skinned lady rolls her eyes and says, “Who’s hating? You don’t have anything that I don’t have or can’t get!”

One of the other ladies leans in closer to the lady with the perm and says, “I think that you’re very talented. I don’t care what the lady with the afro said about you – you’ll go far in the company. Don’t allow this person to bring you down.”

The lady with the afro asks the lady with the perm, “Can you pass one of those plates to me?”

The lady with the perm wrinkles her nose and whispers to the other lady and whispers as she’s watching the lady with the afro, “Who does that thing think she is; the Queen of Sheba?”

Another lady leans in and whispers to the light skinned lady, “You’re so beautiful with your light eyes, and luscious hair. These ladies are so jealous of you. They wish they looked just like you.”

The light skinned lady sits back in her chair, shaking her head, and says, “These little nappy headed ghetto birds can’t hold a candle to how beautiful I am!”

The lady with the perm retorts, “Aint nobody jealous of you! I have a double major in Engineering! I’m smarter than you, make more money than ALL OF YOU, and I have a man!”

The dark skinned lady shot back, “I heard about your man from Ms. Lace Front here! His down low ass is all over the city!”

The lady with the weave shouts, “Both of you  need to have a stadium of seats! Nobody cares about your man or your three degrees from burnt behind!”

The lady with the afro shakes her head and says, “Four of the dumbest and messiest broads on this green earth always talking about somebody! You’re in everyone’s business and two-faced! Why did yall bother getting out of bed?”

As the lady with the perm, and the lady with the afro, and the dark skinned lady, and the lady with the weave, and the light skinned lady argued, spat at each other and carried on like fools, the other five ladies took their assigned pieces of the cake and ate them, and then took the remaining five pieces and shared them with their friends at the next table, all the while watching the five other ladies fight amongst themselves. 

My Queens, we have to be better than this. While we bicker and hate each other, those who set us upon the path of self destruction are plundering the spoils. When you really think about it, we really can’t blame them – we do it to ourselves. We see our differences or what look exactly like us, and instead of uplifting and supporting one another, we see each other as a threat and someone who will take whatever it is that we have. When the smoke clears, the other women are laughing as they walk away. Worse, it still hasn’t resonated with you that you just got into a fight over crumbs.

When we fall short, we always revert back to, “I’m a work in progress.” There’s more to it than just saying it – you actually have to WORK ON IT! Pointing fingers, assessing blame, indifference – that’s no way to work out differences. We are the worst each other has to offer. The cattiness, jealousy, and hatefulness is always under the surface because we’ve spend generations being told that we’re not as good as others, or not as beautiful, or as smart. No, you have to dig deep inside of you and ask yourself what bothers you so much about your fellow Queen. You could be going through some stuff in your life, and in comes this beautiful, gregarious woman who is always happy and smiling. For some reason, this bothers you. Perhaps it’s because something’s wrong in your life, so why is this person happy? Why can’t you be happy like this? Then someone whispers in your ear, the seed is planted, and you’re off to the races. 

The darker you are, the uglier you are. You’re light skinned? Then you’re not black enough. Your hair is nappy? Straighten it – you might get a promotion. Your hair is short? Sew some in! You got a donkey butt? You’re fat – lose weight!  It’s never enough and it never ends! It sucks even worse when it happens within our own community.

The other ladies didn’t need much to pit these Queens against each other, and funny thing is, they knew exactly what was happening. They knew it was going to happen before it happened. Why? Because we’ve been okey doked since the first day that Boat One showed up. However, in my script, the Queens were so brainwashed into believing that the other ladies are right by privilege and therefore beyond question that, as a force of habit, they zombied right into it.

Don’t misunderstand me - these other ladies are not all that they seem to be. They could actually hate each other. In fact, I know that they do. When they think you're not listening, bend an ear - you'll hear it and it'll blow your mind. However, they’re going to stick together against you, right or wrong, and will throw a barrier of protection around each other. They get you to work against one another so they can reap the benefits of what you fail to protect. It doesn’t take much for you to turn at all.  Oh, they gonna get each other, but not in front of you. They’ll do you in first.

You know what the saddest part is?  You’re so scared of losing something you don’t even have that you play the game anyway, knowing that you’re going to lose. Oh yeah – make no mistakes about it. You’re going to lose. We never win at this game played like this. All of this will get you nowhere. 

I guess I’m a weird person in that I’m happy to see us succeed in life. I can see that the elevation of one benefits all of us. I’m so glad I raised my daughter to not be like this. I hope that, as she crosses the great expanse called life, no one will twist her to the point where this is the mentality that she will end up with. No one wants to be around people like this.

With confident, sexy Queens, this is how this conversation SHOULD have gone:

One of the ladies leans in closer to the Queen with the weave and delicately whispers, “You know, the dark skinned lady is going after your job.” 

The Queen with the weave looks at the dark skinned Queen and whispers back to the lady, “You know, I think she’s so very talented. I don’t think she wants my job, but I’m sure if we can put our heads together, I have a project going on where could really use her input.”

“You don’t understand,” the lady delicately whispers, “she’s jealous of you and is always trying to take credit for the work that you do. I don’t know how you tolerate it!”

The Queen with the weave nods and says to the dark skinned Queen, “I would love to work with you on this idea that I have. Can I send you a meeting invite?”

The dark skinned Queen smiles and says, “Absolutely! I’ve heard that you’re hard working and a real go getter! I think we could make some magic happen! Definitely, let’s talk!”

One of the other ladies leans in closer to the Queen with the perm and says, “I think that you’re very talented. I don’t care what the lady with the afro said about you – you’ll go far in the company. Don’t allow this person to bring you down.”

The Queen with the afro asks the Queen with the perm, “Can you pass one of those plates to me?” 

The Queen with the perm smiles warmly, hands her the plate and a napkin, and whispers to the other lady as she’s watching the Queen with the afro, “Oh, we go a long way back. Even in college, we were always challenging each other to reach higher!”

Another lady leans in and whispers to the light skinned Queen, “You’re so beautiful with your light eyes, and luscious curly hair. These ladies are so jealous of you. They wish they looked just like you.”

The light skinned Queen sits back in her chair, shaking her head, and says, “But they do look like me! We come in all shades of the rainbow! We’re phenomenally beautiful like that!”

The Queen with the perm says, “Girl, did you watch “Scandal” last night?”

The dark skinned Queen shot back, “I almost died watching Olivia’s father! He is a fool for real!”

The Queen with the weave laughs, “I tried to get into that show but I just couldn’t. I’ll have to try again, seeing as how that’s the topic of almost every conversation I’ve ever been in.”

The Queen with the afro shook her head, “So I’m the only one watching RHOA?”

The five Queens then helped each other take a piece of the cake to enjoy, getting up and walking over to another table to continue their conversation, leaving the other ladies at the table with their five pieces of cake without a care in the world.

Pull each other forward. It’s really not that hard to do. A kind word goes a long way. Be that person who puts a smile on the face of others.

Up, we fly…together. All of us or none of us.

Peace!

 ~me~