Down The Rabbit Hole And Back Again…And Boiling The Bunny In The Process

Hello my lovelies!

Here I am after a hiatus from my blogging to complain about the lack of progression in the things that make my life go boom.  I mean some things are progressing; like my Lady Parts surgery, which is now scheduled for May 28^th.  The cock sucky thing about that is, as a “non-exempt” associate (hourly), I only get 55% of my pay for short term disability, as opposed to 100% for 120 days for the exempt associates at my firm.  It blows a fatty but eh?  I get good benefits so I can adjust to it and besides, when I do an event or show, I get paid from the moment I leave my house to the moment I get back in so...SCORE! Anyhoo, I’ll be off work for anywhere from two to eight weeks depending on the type of procedure I'll have done and how much pain I’ll be in.  Shit, that doesn’t matter as I sit here on the second menstrual cycle this month.

I know…TMI.  Gross, but I digress.

On March 29, my short fantasy story, “Blue Caladium” was scheduled to be published in a fantasy magazine but they were having technical problems and as of today’s date they haven’t published it.  Yeah, do the math – that’s three weeks later.  I stressed over the story for a month because they kept getting my name wrong and as the days ticked down, I stressed myself yet again wondering if people were going to read it, then come and find me online and become new fans.  I began stressing over the writing projects that had begun pinging around in my noggin and writing new storyboards for them, so I shelved “Kurai Utopia,” in part because I felt like it’s too big to publish on my own so I wanted a publisher, and in part because I felt like entering writing contests and submitting to magazines will help get me out there.  The side projects were a way to help my mind relax as I waited for the magazine to hit the cyber news stand, but then nothing happened.

  

Nothing.

They were having technical glitches and as such were unable to publish.  A couple of times I would ask what was going and being reassured that the magazine was coming, so I allowed my mindset to focus on a new supernatural fantasy story that I’m writing, as well as several children’s story for another publication. I felt good about this.  I’m a creative person but then again, most creative people are psychotic.  Anyway, I actually came up with a pseudonym for this kiddie genre, “Riley Pendleton.”  I can’t have children read about sprites and then find “The Mirror’s Edge” or some other perverted writings of mine.  That would warp their fragile little minds…sort of like when I was a kid and read “Superfudge” by Judy Blume and then discovered “Wifey” just a few years later.  It totally busted my mental cherry.  I think that’s when I became a pervert.

So as I had all of these ideas racing around in my head while I waited for the magazine to get published, a strange thought occurred to me; I was not in control of anything in regards to my writing career. Wait…what writing career?  You see, being new to the business I had allowed others who knew more or knew better guide me but I was doing nothing to achieve my goals as a writer for myself.  I branched out on my own in an attempt to move forward but I failed miserably at it without even realizing it.  The side projects hadn’t helped me focus – they were stifling me and, because the ideas were so diverse and all over the place, they effectively ground my creativity to a halt because I realized there was no progression.  I had become stuck and couldn’t move forward. I realized that I had made the very same mistake as I had made before.  I did it in a different way but it was the same mistake all the same.  I had become dependent on others to help me further my career and just sat there and watched it go nowhere.   

How fucking stupid is that?  I find myself surrounded by an unlimited amount of opportunity, but what am I doing with it?  Absolutely nothing and I’m becoming very invisible for my lack of effort.  Sure, I can follow people on social media, take in the knowledge that they’re imparting and read how they’re living the dream that I see myself having, but if I don’t push myself out there and guide my OWN career, then I have no one to blame but myself.  Don't get me wrong - this is no one's fault but mine.  I let this happen.  It’s not like I’m looking to become The Next Big Thing. 

Hmm. 

Maybe even that’s the wrong approach.  Why shouldn’t I become The Next Big Thing?  It’s happening to people all the time.  Why should I want less for myself?  Is it perhaps some kind of false modesty and not wanting to be big headed about it?  Shit, I’m the most arrogant, self-absorbed person I know.  I’m a Diva, for fuck’s sake.  People would argue that I’m not but yeah I am.  In fact, I think this blog’s about me! 

Look at it like this, Ma - there’s a great big mountain of literary gold out there and I sure as hell want my share of it, so here’s what’s going to happen.  Since that dream house in Bali isn’t going to wait for me to win the lottery, all side projects as of today will screech to a grinding halt.  “Kurai Utopia” has become the number one priority in my literary life.  I’m going to do a re-edit to make sure it’s on point the way I like, cut or rewrite some unnecessary scenes and then get a cover and self publish that bad boy before my Lady Parts surgery.  I have got to get control of this before it spins nowhere. 

Wow…I feel so aggressive and assertive.  It must be some residual “Spartacus” coursing through my veins.  After all, it is Friday, and there’s nothing on TV.  I see no gratitude in this.

But enough of that.  Shit just got real.

  

Literary world, it’s a wrap.  Here I come.

Peace out!

nnb